When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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