he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
