My liver just broke up with me...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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