someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
