I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
