I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize