before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
