Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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