i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
