doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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