i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
