...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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