I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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