he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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