Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
