I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
