he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
