I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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