meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
