did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
