her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
