You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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