fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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