Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize