I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
