Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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