I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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