So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
