I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
