his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
