Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
