nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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