I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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