I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
