I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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