I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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