I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
