The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
do herpes really smell.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
