i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
