Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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