That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
