I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
