I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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