Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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