I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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