I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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