my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
