If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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