I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
