Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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