I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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