this beer tastes like vomit already
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
