jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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