Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
