I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
