his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize