Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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