I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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