just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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