Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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