I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
